John typically wakes up at 10am and immediately has an ice cold bath because he thinks he is a universal soldier. He stays in the bath until he believes in his head that he is fully powered up for the day. This is normally about half an hour. Whilst he is in the bath John mediates that he is hang gliding over the hanging gardens of Babylon, this, he says, gives him the ability to transfer his own thoughts into the minds of two hamsters (McCoy and Geraldine) he keeps in a converted barn at the bottom of his rather large estate in New Orleans. By doing this he can apparently make the hamsters craft straw hats from the bails of hay he keeps in the barn. This in turn he claims streamlines his thoughts and energies directly into the church of scientology itself. Although no one has seen the hamsters making the straw hats, the barn is strictly out of bounds; John does own a very extensive collection of straw hats. These are generally hanging from the wall in his living room, although John does have a large wardrobe devoted to housing the hats. On Mondays and Tuesdays John wears a straw hat and stands in the window where the hamsters can see him wearing the hats. This, he says, encourages them to work harder. John’s favourite hamster is McCoy, although he is very fond of Geraldine.

Once finished in the bath John has a shave with a meat cleaver, he uses olive oil as a primer on his face beforehand. John cleans his teeth with arm and hammer backing soda toothpaste and then has a pint of saltwater before changing into his robes. By this time it is 11.30 and John knells at his sundial alter in the porch to prey for the resurrection of Ron Hubbard. John then sacrifices a pig and throws empty pistachio shells at the giant oak tree in the front garden as a sign that he has finished his Morning Prayer time and is now ready to eat.

The maid, seeing the shells being pelted at the oak is activated into action. John is a very demanding employer and by 12.30pm he expects to have a cup of coffee and plate of oysters reading and waiting. John consumes his coffee and oysters in his living room. A blanket is laid on the floor and the coffee and oysters must be positioned in diagonally opposite corners of the blanket. Fist John sits cross legged in the middle of the blanket facing the coffee. A sip is taken from the coffee through a straw, john then shuffles clockwise to face the oysters. The oysters appear to John on a gold plate arranged in a perfect half crescent based on the shape of the moon at that particular time. John takes and oyster cradling it in his hands shuts his eyes and focuses for a minute before shoving the oyster in his mouth as quickly as he can. The maid times this action and compiles weekly timings sheets which John publishes on the scientology website. John then shuffles clockwise to face the coffee and takes a sip through the straw. This process is repeated until the oysters and coffee is fully consumed and can take up to three hours.
Then John Travolta puts on his special pilots uniform which has berry stalks woven into it. Fresh berry stalks are woven in every Saturday morning. He then goes and sits at the round table in the living room and the maid brings forth either toffee pavlova or cherry gateau depending on what day of the week it is. The lighting in the living room is turned up to full power (uv lamps have been specially installed) as John believes the bright light gives him increased inner light, which in turn gives him the ability to channel energy from the pavlova or gateau into the further brainwashing (or enlightenment) of his scientologist ‘friends’.

Next up is a trip to the church of scientology itself. John travels in his small corporate jet. The church is exactly 100 miles from John’s manner and has a mini runway round the back especially for John’s use. Whilst in the plane John drinks coffee from a thermosk and makes downward motions with his hands and feet in order to absorb any magnetic force seeping from the earth. By the time John arrives at the curch is is roughly 3.30pm.

John has half an hour to change back into his robes and prepare himself for his sermon at 4pm. John will typically read a chapter from one of his favourite books, something like ‘scientology: the fundamentals of thought’. After this he holds his arm out straight and pretends to be an airoplace, reinacting his plane journey to the church.