Actual Real News, All The News Beef Now

Temperatures are set to soar into the high 80's today as Britains barmy weather takes another meandering turn on it's journey into Spring.

But scientists have deduced that the temperature won't be 80 degrees farenheit, nor 80 degrees celsius, it will simply be the "high 80's". Expect to see shell suits, permed hair, diamond encrusted gloves (on one hand only), pastel colours and sports jackets with rolled up sleeves.

Music may also be affected, with some radio stations automatically belting out "Hold The Line" by Toto and "Billie Jean" by Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink.

Traffic likely to be unaffected, but television programming will suffer a huge loss in broadcast quality.

This emoticon is wanted for crimes against old people.

He phones them up and tells them they have just 5 minutes to live, then he drops by their house to collect their re-written wills.

We need your help in finding him, he really is a shit.

Pint sized prick Tom Cruise has finally admitted that Scientology is "a big joke that got a little bit out of hand".

Cruise, 78, is in all reality a Mormon. Katie Holmes is the 14th wife, and he has 68 children by his various ladies.

Scientology has always baffled the press with its bizarre rituals, strange practices and weird goings-on. At one point it was purported that Scientology was the square root of 5, but that has since been disproved. The real square root of 5 is 6.

Cruise will publicly announce the hoax at a press conference later today. It is expected that he will lay on a huge spread of cocktail sausages (named after his 1954 blockbuster "Cocktail Sausage"), spam rolls (named after his 1984 blockbuster "Top Gun") and scotch eggs.

Scotch Eggs aren't named after anything. They are simply eggs prepared in a scotch manner.

Bobby Davro is running for Prime Minister of Ruislip.

Ruislip defected from the UK last year and has since become its own province. They have already attempted to declare war on Cricklewood, but Cricklewood were having none of it; telling them to "Get those leathery gloves away from our collective faces".

Mr. Davro told his future constituents that "Ruislip deserves dedication! Ruislip deserves direction! Ruislip deserves Davro!".

As part of his manifesto, Ruislip citizens will each receive 100 manilla envelopes (the kind that you lick, not the ones with the adhesive strip). A use for these envelopes is not yet stated, but insider sources are reporting that Davro holds many shares in Vanilla Manilla, a leading envelope provider.

Celebrity bender Uri Geller has an ant farm the size of Lisa Riley.

He calls it "Lisa Riley sized ant farm", and they live on scraps of metal that fall off his spoons.

He'll sell it for the right price: £7 sterling or a night of passion with Jonathan Woodgate.

I know which price I'd offer!

Perry Fenwick is going to host a magic show in which he does the following:

Takes a plum and extracts the pip
Cracks open the plum pip to reveal a lemon pip
Cracks open the lemon pip to reveal an apple pip

This is all done with his bare hands.
Apparently it’s very good and Perry's sleight of hand is second to none.

David Beckham has signed to play for premier Estonian club, The Old Git Faces.

He's going to be playing up front and down the back, passing the ball with a metal spatula and hoping to score goals for the 5/7th line.

Arsen Wenger the French lollypop has agreed to be featured as a baddy in the new Disney Lion King Film. It's called 'Without a Wenger with Sinbad and Mowgli'. Supposed to be very good, according to the animals of Farthing Wood.

Two barrels made entirely of peanuts have been unveiled today at Carpet World in South Ruislip and at Courts in Thurrock. The two rival companies have been in a race to unveil the peanut monument since New Year’s Day. Both have agreed that it is a fair draw although the Courts effort is crafted to a higher degree of excellence.