Actual Real News, All The News Beef Now

News at Ten is having a revamp. Dean Gaffney will be presenting the hour long show, and the title music is going to be this song here.

Punk rock died, along with freedom.

John typically wakes up at 10am and immediately has an ice cold bath because he thinks he is a universal soldier. He stays in the bath until he believes in his head that he is fully powered up for the day. This is normally about half an hour. Whilst he is in the bath John mediates that he is hang gliding over the hanging gardens of Babylon, this, he says, gives him the ability to transfer his own thoughts into the minds of two hamsters (McCoy and Geraldine) he keeps in a converted barn at the bottom of his rather large estate in New Orleans. By doing this he can apparently make the hamsters craft straw hats from the bails of hay he keeps in the barn. This in turn he claims streamlines his thoughts and energies directly into the church of scientology itself. Although no one has seen the hamsters making the straw hats, the barn is strictly out of bounds; John does own a very extensive collection of straw hats. These are generally hanging from the wall in his living room, although John does have a large wardrobe devoted to housing the hats. On Mondays and Tuesdays John wears a straw hat and stands in the window where the hamsters can see him wearing the hats. This, he says, encourages them to work harder. John’s favourite hamster is McCoy, although he is very fond of Geraldine.

Once finished in the bath John has a shave with a meat cleaver, he uses olive oil as a primer on his face beforehand. John cleans his teeth with arm and hammer backing soda toothpaste and then has a pint of saltwater before changing into his robes. By this time it is 11.30 and John knells at his sundial alter in the porch to prey for the resurrection of Ron Hubbard. John then sacrifices a pig and throws empty pistachio shells at the giant oak tree in the front garden as a sign that he has finished his Morning Prayer time and is now ready to eat.

The maid, seeing the shells being pelted at the oak is activated into action. John is a very demanding employer and by 12.30pm he expects to have a cup of coffee and plate of oysters reading and waiting. John consumes his coffee and oysters in his living room. A blanket is laid on the floor and the coffee and oysters must be positioned in diagonally opposite corners of the blanket. Fist John sits cross legged in the middle of the blanket facing the coffee. A sip is taken from the coffee through a straw, john then shuffles clockwise to face the oysters. The oysters appear to John on a gold plate arranged in a perfect half crescent based on the shape of the moon at that particular time. John takes and oyster cradling it in his hands shuts his eyes and focuses for a minute before shoving the oyster in his mouth as quickly as he can. The maid times this action and compiles weekly timings sheets which John publishes on the scientology website. John then shuffles clockwise to face the coffee and takes a sip through the straw. This process is repeated until the oysters and coffee is fully consumed and can take up to three hours.
Then John Travolta puts on his special pilots uniform which has berry stalks woven into it. Fresh berry stalks are woven in every Saturday morning. He then goes and sits at the round table in the living room and the maid brings forth either toffee pavlova or cherry gateau depending on what day of the week it is. The lighting in the living room is turned up to full power (uv lamps have been specially installed) as John believes the bright light gives him increased inner light, which in turn gives him the ability to channel energy from the pavlova or gateau into the further brainwashing (or enlightenment) of his scientologist ‘friends’.

Next up is a trip to the church of scientology itself. John travels in his small corporate jet. The church is exactly 100 miles from John’s manner and has a mini runway round the back especially for John’s use. Whilst in the plane John drinks coffee from a thermosk and makes downward motions with his hands and feet in order to absorb any magnetic force seeping from the earth. By the time John arrives at the curch is is roughly 3.30pm.

John has half an hour to change back into his robes and prepare himself for his sermon at 4pm. John will typically read a chapter from one of his favourite books, something like ‘scientology: the fundamentals of thought’. After this he holds his arm out straight and pretends to be an airoplace, reinacting his plane journey to the church.

In the beginning monkeys converged on Reading in numbers roughly equal to the human population.

Recently, however, they've been cut down to roughly half the human population. Due to their reduction in size the monkey leaders- Chimmpy Plop and Dave the Gorilla- have been forced into the municipal buildings where they are holding many council employees hostage until they can increase their numbers once again. Many people in Reading have been killed in random ambush attacks.

The monkey's base at Reading consists of 2 leaders they are genetically mutated and stand at twice the size of an average human. They are ferocious fighters and can fart with their mouths full. They are also evil and must be eaten and fully digested to ensure that they are completely dead. Gorilla curry is particularly satisfying.

The monkeys do get thrills from being spanked; they are extremely excited by any spanking and must not be spanked at any cost. If they are they are sent hyperactive and can be difficult to control. Do not allow them to enter your room; the people of Reading are still unsure of their sexual preference.

The monkeys are being shipped in, according to witnesses who have seen large Viking style boats being docked along the south coast of England. We believe that the French are transporting the monkeys in an attempt to sabotage England and then come and take the country for themselves.

One solution being proposed is the production of chocolate coated monkeys as a deterrent.

SWEDES BOMB IRAQ WITH GIANT FISH BOMB.... DARIUS VASSEL SCALES EVEREST WEARING STILTS MADE OF TIN... MINERS TRAPPED IN ROCKFALL CAUSED BY A BIRD PECKING AT THE EARTH.... NEW WASHING POWDER INVENTED... PELICAN CROSSINGS TO BE OUTLAWED... JOHN MAJOR MADE KING OF ICELAND... NEW TAX INTRODUCED ON JUMPING AND SPINNING... MAN SENT TO PRISON FOR EATING PASTA... OLD LADY LEAVES ONE MILLION POUND INHERITANCE TO THE PEBBLEDASH ON THE SIDE OF HER HOUSE... RARE COLLECTION OF TEAPOTS SOLD FOR £2... TERRY WAITE LOOSES HIS UMBRELLA WHILST OUT FOR A WALK... GOAT RUNNING DOWN MOTORWAY CAUSES MASSIVE PILEUP... NEW BIG WHEEL AT ALTON TOWERS POWERED BY PEANUTS... GROUP OF YOUTHS ATTACKED BY MERMAN AND MERMAID WITH TRIDENTS... AN APPLE HAS BEEN DISCOVERED HOUSING A SMALL INFESTATION OF FIELD MICE... SOME PEOPLE GET ALL THE LUCK DON'T THEY... LOLLYPOP LADY WINS LONDON MARATHON DRESSED AS A LOLLYPOP LADY... COATHANGER CHEWED UP BY RABID DOG.... CAR CALLED ‘KENNETH CLARKE EGG’ CLOCKED AT 105MPH…SEARCH FOR MISSING FELT TIP PENS CONTINUES… WOMAN DIES AFTER CEMENT IS USED IN HER BIRTHDAY CAKE… ACTION URGED OVER PRICE OF HARIBO… CASTLE MADE OF ROCK BASHED DOWN BY THUGS ON SPACEHOPPERS… THE DUKE OF KENT HAS ANNOUNCED HE WILL BE GETTING HIS HAIRCUT AND HAVING A SHAVE ON THE SAME DAY… PERRY MASON IS INVESTIGATING A MURDER… SAFEWAYS ANNOUNCE NEW PRODUCT LINE MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUT…VANDALS WRECK A TRAFFIC CONE ON M25… ORINOKO (PINOCCIO’S DAD) HAS HAD HIS NAILS CLIPPED BY A HERMIT CRAB…PEDESTRIAN OUTRAGE AT PLANS TO SCRAP PAVEMENTS…

Temperatures are set to soar into the high 80's today as Britains barmy weather takes another meandering turn on it's journey into Spring.

But scientists have deduced that the temperature won't be 80 degrees farenheit, nor 80 degrees celsius, it will simply be the "high 80's". Expect to see shell suits, permed hair, diamond encrusted gloves (on one hand only), pastel colours and sports jackets with rolled up sleeves.

Music may also be affected, with some radio stations automatically belting out "Hold The Line" by Toto and "Billie Jean" by Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink.

Traffic likely to be unaffected, but television programming will suffer a huge loss in broadcast quality.

This emoticon is wanted for crimes against old people.

He phones them up and tells them they have just 5 minutes to live, then he drops by their house to collect their re-written wills.

We need your help in finding him, he really is a shit.

Pint sized prick Tom Cruise has finally admitted that Scientology is "a big joke that got a little bit out of hand".

Cruise, 78, is in all reality a Mormon. Katie Holmes is the 14th wife, and he has 68 children by his various ladies.

Scientology has always baffled the press with its bizarre rituals, strange practices and weird goings-on. At one point it was purported that Scientology was the square root of 5, but that has since been disproved. The real square root of 5 is 6.

Cruise will publicly announce the hoax at a press conference later today. It is expected that he will lay on a huge spread of cocktail sausages (named after his 1954 blockbuster "Cocktail Sausage"), spam rolls (named after his 1984 blockbuster "Top Gun") and scotch eggs.

Scotch Eggs aren't named after anything. They are simply eggs prepared in a scotch manner.

Bobby Davro is running for Prime Minister of Ruislip.

Ruislip defected from the UK last year and has since become its own province. They have already attempted to declare war on Cricklewood, but Cricklewood were having none of it; telling them to "Get those leathery gloves away from our collective faces".

Mr. Davro told his future constituents that "Ruislip deserves dedication! Ruislip deserves direction! Ruislip deserves Davro!".

As part of his manifesto, Ruislip citizens will each receive 100 manilla envelopes (the kind that you lick, not the ones with the adhesive strip). A use for these envelopes is not yet stated, but insider sources are reporting that Davro holds many shares in Vanilla Manilla, a leading envelope provider.

Celebrity bender Uri Geller has an ant farm the size of Lisa Riley.

He calls it "Lisa Riley sized ant farm", and they live on scraps of metal that fall off his spoons.

He'll sell it for the right price: £7 sterling or a night of passion with Jonathan Woodgate.

I know which price I'd offer!